


we'll make it, I swear

by ficpants



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-12
Updated: 2012-04-12
Packaged: 2017-11-03 12:53:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficpants/pseuds/ficpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it takes time and a little meddling for good things to happen. No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we'll make it, I swear

**Author's Note:**

> My first Ao3 submission! I feel like the standards are higher here so I might be pickier about what I write but everything is Dair and nothing hurts
> 
> So basically, the inspiration came from 1) when Serena tells Blair in "Cross Rhodes" that she won't be an obstacle in Blair and Dan's way because they'll face enough obstacles already, and 2) the famous "epic love" scene from Veronica Mars that everyone should know because it's amazing

**_“You have to decide what’s most important to you. Keeping your pride and getting nothing or taking a risk and maybe, maybe having everything.”_ **

 

Just as Serena had predicted, there were obstacles.

Too many of them.

They tried so hard to make it work, to push against a world that seemed to want them apart.

In the end, all that was left were the ghosts of past arguments and the searing pain of fresh heartbreak.

She leaves for France to stay with her father, needing to be physically away from New York City. He lets his dad sell the loft and leaves for Canada, to try and find inspiration for his third novel. They both leave Serena behind.

Serena is blonde and beautiful and charismatic but despite her best efforts, she can’t get them talking again. She’s determined to though.

_“I just want you to be happy! Let’s face it, B, I’m predetermined to have terrible family dynamics for the rest of my life. My mother’s been married five times. One of my stepbrothers is Chuck Bass. The other one is Dan Humphrey.”_

_“And I’ve dated both of them,” Blair interrupted sharply. “No thank you to either ever again. It took me far too long to get over Chuck, and his presence still managed to screw up a marriage and another relationship. I’m not going to let Dan Bassify my life.”_

_She could almost hear Serena’s frown. “Well, too bad Scott’s getting married,” her friend finally responds airily, and Blair knows she’s dropped the subject for now._

_~_

_“I just want you to be happy, Dan. And I really think-”_

_“That me showing up to Blair’s doorstep in France is really going to help?” Dan unceremoniously dumped the plane ticket that the courier had just given him in the trash. “Serena, life is not like a romantic comedy.”_

_“I know, but I also know that you two love each other and that you’re fighting over stupid, pedantic shit!”_

_Dan leans back with a smirk. “So you finally got around to using that dictionary I bought you?”_

_“Canada has made you more condescending, Dan.”_

A month passes by slowly. Then two months, then half a year. Before either of them realizes it, it’s been a year. The silence stretches on for so long that it also seems futile to try and break it.

_“Serena Celia van der Woodsen, of all the stupid and selfish and irresponsible things to pull, I swear to God once I find you, I’m going to kill you!”_

_“Quoi?”Serena asked innocently, blowing on her wet nails._

_Blair scowled. “You left me a message, crying about how you were lonely and scared and taking pills with alcohol and now I’m in New York and IN YOUR APARTMENT with Dan and I hate you.”_

_“Oh, no, did I accidentally call you while I was practicing for my audition? I’m soooo sorry B, I promise I didn’t mean to worry you like that. But I guess I’m a better actress than I thought!” Serena laughed merrily before hanging up._

_~_

_“Serena, that was not cool. We were both really worried.”_

_“You guys may be mad at me but all I hear is’ we.’”_

_“You really had us worried, this is serious, okay. Are you really fine?”_

_“Again with the plural pronoun, did you guys talk?”_

_“Serena!”_

_There’s a pause, and Dan has to double check that she didn’t hang up. “I just want you two to be together,” Serena says quietly. “You were happy, she was happy…”_

_“Love’s more complicated than that.”_

_“It shouldn’t be,” she replied almost accusingly. This time, she does hang up on him._

Serena’s stunt does get them talking again, but it’s cautious. The time difference means that neither of them is available at the drop of the hat, that all of their conversations have to be calculated. Their conversations are nothing more than cordial, and they absolutely never bring up their past relationship. It hurts them both to pretend like it never happened, but the thought of opening past wounds by talking about what might have been was too overwhelming to even consider.

_“Is he okay?”_

_Serena sighed. “You know what they say. Basses have nine lives.”_

_Blair laughed weakly. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she eyed the webpage in front of her._

_“Are you going to come?”_

_Blair hesitated. Part of the reason she was in France was to finish her studies, away from Chuck. While Humphrey was content on being a college dropout, she intended to finish her education. She frowned. Why was she thinking about_ him _?_

_“No.”_

_Blair could have sworn Serena was smiling when she replied, “Okay.”_

_~_

_“Is he okay?”_

_“More than okay, he’s already slept with one of the on call nurses,” Serena said dryly. “My mother was not pleased, but what can you do? He’s Chuck Bass.”_

_“A Bass never changes his spots.”_

_“Not even after a nasty bout of alcohol poisoning,” Serena agreed. “Honestly, these antics are wearing on my patience but I guess that’s what I get for staying here.”_

_“So it’s just you and Lily at the hospital, or?” Dan tried to sound casual as he tapped his pen against a notepad on the table._

_“Blair didn’t come.”_

_“That’s not what I was asking,” Dan protested feebly._

_Serena sounded much too smug when she responded with an amused “Okayyy.”_

They don’t talk about their relationship, but they also don’t talk about other people. They’re wrapped up in their own bubble of movies and literature, the elite club of good taste (hers) and questionable taste (his, according to her). They argue now again, but it’s bickering instead of the nasty fights they used to get into. It’s all good fun, until they start to fight again.

_“You didn’t tell me Dan was bringing a date to Scott’s wedding,” Blair said flatly._

_Serena winced at the hurt in her voice. “Truthfully, I didn’t know.”_

_“She’s not completely hideous. I mean, I suppose even ogres can be cute. Shrek is a reminder of that.”_

_“If it helps, he didn’t really seem that into her. All they did was talk about movies.”_

_“S,” Blair said exasperatedly, “that’s Humphrey’s stupid way of foreplay!”_

_“They talked about Rosemary’s Baby, Blair. They were so boring, Rufus told them to shut up. Rufus. I’m going to let that sink in for a moment. Now, I hardly call that foreplay.”_

_There was a silence as Blair grappled for the right words. “Fine. Maybe I care a little.”_

_~_

_“Why the hell did you tell Blair about Rosemary’s Baby?!”_

_“Why did you bring that girl you didn’t like to Scott’s wedding?” Serena countered. “You do realize Scott’s normal, right? He’s only going to get married once, and you had to ruin all the family pictures with some random skank!”_

_“She’s not a skank.”_

_“That dress was completely inappropriate and tacky.”_

_“Serena, I think you own the same dress.”_

_“And yet, you didn’t see me wear it to a wedding.”_

_“God, you sound like Blair right now.”_

_“Which brings me back to my original point!” Serena said triumphantly. “Dan, you don’t take people you barely know to weddings. Didn’t you just say yesterday that you ended up hating that girl? You wanted to prove a point to Blair that you’ve moved on while she hasn’t. It’s stupid.”_

_“Well congratulations, because Blair isn’t talking to me anymore.”_

_“You have no one to blame but yourself, Humphrey.”She flung out his last name in annoyance, but Dan suspects she says it to remind him of Blair._

Truthfully, it was harder to move on. She had suddenly become such an integral part of his life, that even with an ocean apart, even with the silent treatment, he thought of her constantly. He found himself one day on the bus across from a woman wearing two different shades of mustard mixed with lime green and managed to sneak a picture. He had already sent an email to her out of habit until he realized that they weren’t speaking to each other. Again.

Love shouldn’t be this much of a pain in the ass, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He loved her, he loves her, he’s in love with her still. The realization hits him like a ton of bricks and makes his head hurt more than the mustard lady’s outfit on the bus.

She never responds to his email.

_Blair squealed as she hugged her friend. “I’m so glad you came!”_

_“I would never miss your graduation!” Serena said. “I’m so proud of you, B.”_

_“Thank you,” Blair said, trying to look modest but failing. She’s positively beaming, and it’s nice to see her this happy. Chuck came by and coolly wished her luck, causing Blair to roll her eyes._

_“He flew all this way to wish me a dry ‘congratulations and good luck’?” Blair complained. “What did I ever see in him, seriously.”_

_Louis coming was a bigger surprise, but he remained polite as he handed his ex-wife a beautiful bouquet of flowers and had a quiet conversation with her._

_“He wishes me well,” Blair said later, almost in a daze._

_“Isn’t that a good thing?”_

_Blair smiled tightly. “He asked me how Dan was.”_

_~_

_“I’m so glad you’re here,” Dan exclaimed in relief._

_Serena beamed. “The book was good, Dan.”_

_“Really? You didn’t think it was too…”_

_“Obvious? Well you did take some liberties with Rufus and Lily’s relationship, but I think that’s a conversation you should have with your mom. Though I think she would love the fact that the ballerina socialite dies in the end.”_

_“Oh yeah, my dad and Lily was not pleased about that part. I had to reassure them that I loved your mother and writing this modern-day Romeo and Juliet story was not acting on any secret fantasies of killing my stepmom.”_

_Serena picked up a book and studied the cover. “You know, we all come from broken families. I just realized that. You, me, Nate, Chuck, Blair.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“I guess that’s why our circle became so incestuous. We were just trying to heal each other.”_

_Dan smiled. “Sexually?”_

_Serena burst out laughing._

_Dan was glad Serena had come to Toronto to see him for his book launch, less so when he picked up her phone by mistake and saw that her background was a picture of her and Blair, with Blair wearing a graduation robe._

He leaves her a long, rambling voicemail in three parts congratulating her and wishing her the best “in her future endeavors,” before stammering about how he didn’t mean to sound like a cheesy Hallmark card and maybe she should delete this message but really, he just wishes her well. And that he was sorry he wasn’t able to make it, but that her graduation invitations were quintessentially Waldorf.

It makes her smile, but she deletes them without thought. She’s back in Manhattan, she’s met someone new, she is _so_ over him.

Ten minutes later, she sends Dorota to buy his new book. The overall theme is about having and losing the American dream, but she recognizes the obvious references to Rufus and Lily. Even though she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s on her mind, she rummages around until she finds the scrap of paper that had his address on it that Serena had once “conveniently” left behind.

_“I’m going to kill Dan Humphrey!” Blair screeched, not bothering to keep her voice down as she plopped down on the park bench. She frowned. “What are you doing?”_

_Serena looked up from a stack of papers. “Studying.”_

_Blair stared at her friend. “Okay, we’re going to get back to that in a second but first-”_

_“What did Dan do?”_

_“Walt broke up with me,” Blair pouted. “He said it felt intimidated by my ex.”_

_“Can’t imagine why,” Serena said dryly, raising an eyebrow. “Need I remind you that you used to be the princess of Monaco?”_

_“And I gave that up for a writer,” Blair said darkly. “Let’s compare, shall we? Which of these don’t belong, hmmm? A sailor, a hotel tycoon, a prince, and a writer. And before you bestow any of that patented Humphrey snark people seem to pick up from sheer osmosis from hanging around that clan, let me remind you that Nate is training for the Olympics.”_

_“And Dan’s a best-selling author,” Serena reminded Blair._

_“Anyone could get on the New York Times best-seller list,” Blair spluttered. “It doesn’t indicate good taste.”_

_Serena sighed. “B, what do you want me to say? Your boyfriend dumped you because he’s insecure.”_

_Blair pursed her lips. “Insecure about Dan, of all people. It’s ridiculous.”_

_“Sure,” Serena said unconvincingly, picking up a highlighter._

_~_

_“So, Blair called me last night.”_

_Serena raised an eyebrow, though she knew Dan couldn’t see her. “And?”_

_“And it was nice.”_

_“Nice or…niiiicee.”_

_“Okay, even if we had phone sex, which we did not, I would hardly tell you.”_

_“You wouldn’t have to tell me, I would just read about it in your next book,” Serena teased._

_Dan groaned. “WHY does everyone seem to think-”_

_“Dan, no offense, but it’s obvious.”_

_“Thanks, it’s what every writer wants to hear.”_

_“Own it.”_

_They chatted for a while until they ran out of things to talk about. “You’re wrong, you know.”_

_“About what?”_

_“I’ve put my feelings for Blair out there in every book, but I don’t have her love.”_

_Serena sighed. “You do, it’s just…to go through both of your baggage would require professional help, and you both have an aversion to therapists. It’s the intellect in both of you, you thought you could solve your relationship on your own and look where it’s gotten you. You both ran away and left me to pick up the pieces of a broken friendship. It’s been almost three years, Dan. I’m getting tired of playing this game.”_

For the first time in three years, he forgets about her. He’s met someone new, a sweet girl from Quebec City. She teaches him French, he teaches her to cook, and he completely forgets about the book in a box under his bed with a glaring yellow Post-It on it signed “B.”

He goes back to the Upper East Side to celebrate Rufus and Lily’s anniversary and he brings Émilie with him. He forgets that she’s naturally going to be there, and his breath catches slightly when he sees her in a pink dress, glossy brunette hair in curls. She’s clutching onto the arm of a guy who is immaculately dressed but looks bored to death and she’s whispering sharply and unhappily at him.

Émilie is an outsider, and it makes him feel like he’s fifteen again and discovering the allure of the Upper East Side for the first time. They get tipsy on mimosas, and she claps the loudest at his toast. Nate talks sailing with her, Jenny likes her, Serena seems amused, Chuck sneers that she could do better (the closest one gets to approval from Chuck Bass), and Eric is too busy with his new boyfriend to really care but gives him a thumbs up in passing. Émilie is a blonde whirlwind of fun and charisma, eagerly chatting with whomever in her accented English.

It’s only when they’re on the dance floor and he and Émilie are laughing and conversing in French that he looks up and sees that she’s watching them. He sees the way she registers his French, the slight look of hurt that passes across her face, the vulnerability that she used to show only him.

It all happens in a matter of seconds, but he feels nauseously guilty as she heads for the exit alone.

_“Canadian French isn’t even real French, you know.”Blair’s tone was sharp as she viciously stabbed a cherry tomato with her fork and popped it into her mouth._

_“I know,” Serena said, rolling her eyes for the millionth time._

_Blair frowned. “You know, you’re sitting right in front of me. I can see you.”_

_“Blair, she was nice. And…she makes him happy.”_

_“You used to say that about me,” Blair said, stabbing a crouton so hard it shattered violently into crumbs. “Et tu, van der Woodsen?”_

_“What about Barlett?” Serena asked. “Wasn’t he…a good date?”_

_“His first name was Barlett, of course not!” Blair exclaimed in exasperation. “Honestly, S, do you pay attention to anything I say?”_

_“I do,” Serena said calmly. “Which is why I need you to listen to me right now. You are being crazy. Dan loves you, you love Dan-”_

_“Neither of those things are true,” Blair said. “Yes, we talk but we’re not in love.”_

_“So why did you break up with Barlett, really? Besides his name.”_

_“He was…boring. And for an investment banker, he knew nothing about the finer things in life.”_

_“And?”_

_Blair bristled. “He might have called ‘_ Inside’ _tabloid trash.”_

_“Didn’t you call_ ‘Inside’ _the same thing?”_

_“It’s different when I say it!” Blair protested. “How is Humphrey going to be a better writer if he can’t handle some mild, constructive criticism?”_

_Serena shrugged. “I’m just saying, if your past relationships are getting in the way of your current ones, maybe it’s time that you really let them go.”_

_“S! I am so over Dan Humphrey.”_

_Serena smiled politely and plastered on a fake smile. “Sure, B. Whatever you say.”_

_~_

_“On a scale of one to Mount Vesuvius, how mad is she?”_

_“Why don’t you talk to her yourself,” Serena sighed._

_Dan bit his lip. “I’m scared.”_

_There’s a long pause._

_“I asked Émilie to move in with me,” Dan blurted out._

_“Oh.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Another long pause. “Are you happy, Dan?”_

_“Of course,” Dan said. The words slip out easily, as do the things unsaid. He’s in love. He wants to be with Émilie. This is a serious relationship._

If he can move on, so can she. She dates, she flirts, she travels the world. She has fun with her new jetsetter socialite lifestyle, and she is strangely on much better terms with Louis out of all of her exes. They vacation together on St. Barts, and the photographers go wild even though they are constantly at least two feet away from each other at all times. They’re drunk one night though, and they kiss.

It’s empty and it meant nothing and they both agreed to never speak of it again. She has to remind herself that this isn’t about revenge, this isn’t about who came out best in the relationship, this was about moving on. She was a strong, independent woman…so why the hell did she keep regressing back to the comforts of the same four men?

It’s strange, she wonders as she lounges in the sunlight. Who would have thought, after all these years, it was Serena with the serious job and career ambitions.

_“I thought you two were talking again,” Serena said, her disapproving tone making Blair cringe._

_“Rio de Janiero, though? Serena, I just got back from China and it was so taxing…”_

_“Blair, grow up.”_

_Blair shot up on her bed. “Excuse me?”_

_“Believe me, I’ve been excusing your behavior for a while. You’ve done nothing but mope around ever since you broke up with Dan four years ago. Why can’t you be happy for him? You have a college degree and you’re doing nothing with your life. I never thought I’d say this, but Nate actually has a chance to win an Olympic medal. You have no plans, if you’re not there to support him, you’re not really a friend worth having around.”_

_Blair swallowed hard as she heard the click of the call disconnecting. Serena’s words sank in and for the first time in four years, after she swore she would never cry over a boy again, she cried._

_~_

_“I heard what you said to Blair,” Dan said._

_“Oh, so you two are talking now?”_

_“Serena, let her find herself. It’s not easy, especially since you have your life together and it’s like she’s living in your shadow all over again.”_

_Serena laughed bitterly. “Oh, my GOD. This is funny.”_

_“What is?”_

_“I finally realize how annoying it must have been to other people for you to always put me on a pedestal.”_

_“Serena, look-”_

_“You used to always be on my side, Dan,” Serena said angrily, “no matter what. And believe me, I know that’s changed. But I know I’m right. So if you’re going to be a friend to Blair, be a friend to Blair. Ask her why she’s hiding from real life. Because honestly, I don’t give a shit about you two anymore.”_

Eric ropes him into being a peacemaker before they can destroy New York City, but it’s a bit hard to explain to Émilie why he needs to foster peace between his two ex-girlfriends. She doesn’t quite get it, why two grown women wouldn’t just talk it out. He knows better. One would think that they were too old for catfights, but some things never change.

He tries to ignore the way her eyes sparkle and gleam when she’s thought of a way to bring Serena down. The way she smiles at him that makes him feel like he’s the only one in the room. The way she looks at him expectantly, like he has all the answers. The way she purses her lips to try and hide her excitement.

In the end, it’s Rufus who establishes a détente over waffles and coffee. They’re both too hungover to care about fighting anymore, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

He ignores the fact that she’s wearing an old t-shirt of his that barely covers her ass and she’s laughing along to one of his dad’s cheesy stories like she’s part of the family.

_“I’m nervous about my new job,” Blair confessed quietly._

_Serena looked up from her magazine. “What?”_

_“My whole life’s been full of high expectations, S. What if I can’t live up to them?”_

_“You will,” Serena promised, wrapping her friend in a hug. “You’re a dictator of taste, remember?”_

_Blair smiled faintly. “An evil dictator of taste,” she said softly._

_~_

_“Is Émilie coming?”_

_“She didn’t want me to pay for the tickets so…”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Serena.”_

_“What?”_

_“Again with that tone, I know you think that Émilie’s not part of our world-”_

_“I’m sorry, our world?”_

_Dan sighed as he scanned the luggage claim for his bag. “Yes, our world, the world where money makes life a hell of a lot easier.”_

_“There’s no shame in admitting it!” Serena said cheerfully. “Now hurry so we can eat, drink, and be merry!”_

Nate wins a bronze medal, and it’s so surreal, so unbelievable, so amazing, no one cares that it’s third . Everyone’s growing up and finding their way. The quagmire of their youth, the scrutiny of Gossip Girl, it was all finally over.

They all celebrated that night, but she slips away when she notices Chuck cozying up to a no doubt underage gymnast. She’s not jealous, just annoyed. She needs to breathe, to relish in this moment before she goes back to New York and start working. She needs to be alone.

Except he finds her, because they always seem to find each other. They talk all night on the beach, and she wakes up in his hotel room, on his bed. Her clothes are on though and it looks like he slept on the couch.

She hears his voice outside the hotel door and silently presses her ear against the door. She hears him tell his girlfriend that he loves her in French, and she’s reminded of a time when she was fourteen and she overheard her father repeating the same thing over the phone to another man.

She’s not sure which hurt more.

She calls Serena and makes up an excuse to leave on an earlier flight, and it’s only when she’s up in the air that she lets herself cry again. She needs to properly mourn Dan Humphrey, to get it all out of her system. He’s not the only one who believes in her anymore.

_“So much incompetence, so little time,” Blair complained, rushing past her friend. “Raincheck?”_

_“Sure,” Serena said, checking her watch. “When do you think you’ll be free to lunch again? B?”_

_Blair had already rushed out the door._

_~_

_“Do you think Lily will mind if Émilie and I aren’t there for the engagement party? I mean really, we all know this will be just the first of many Mrs. Chuck Basses.”_

_“Be nice,” Serena chided. “She’s a lovely girl and yes, they’ve only been dating two months but maybe he’s just ready to make a commitment.”_

_“A reformed Chuck Bass is not really something I can stomach right now.”_

_“You’re obviously not the only one.”_

_“How’s she doing?”_

_“Not speaking again?”_

_“She’s always….busy. And truthfully, Émilie’s not always thrilled when I do talk to her.”_

_“Her career is taking off, she’s in Greece right now doing a report for Vogue. It’s everything she ever wanted.”_

_“Oh…good. I’m happy she’s doing well.”_

He nervously lights his last cigarette, checking his watch just to make sure Émilie wouldn’t be home yet. He’s picked up smoking the same time he picked up writer’s block. Émilie suspects that something happened in Brazil, but nothing did. Even though he wanted something to happen, it didn’t. He hasn’t been able to write since then. It’s frustrating, it’s screwing with his head, and he wants to return to America because he misses his family.

He misses Blair. He loves Émilie, he knows he does, but he still misses Blair. Surely as a friend, his brain concludes. You’re such a fool, his heart mocks.

_“Serena, wake up! I think I’m in love.”_

_Serena groaned as the covers were yanked from over her head. “Blair, it’s…” she squinted at the clock. “Oh. It’s two in the afternoon.”_

_Blair was pacing with excitement. “I spent last night with Cedrik and it was…amazing. Magical.”_

_“That’s nice,” Serena yawned. “What did you do?”_

_“He whisked me away to Niagara Falls,” Blair said dreamily. “We had a beautiful dinner, simple but so perfect. Then we watched the lights on the water and spent the rest of the night in bed. Who knew Canada could be so romantic?”_

_Serena chose to keep her mouth shut and ignore the last part. “Wow, that sounds amazing.”_

_Serena was surprised to see Blair turn to her, eyes watering. “He makes me happy, S. I never thought I could feel this free and in love ever again.”_

_Serena smiled. “You deserve all the happiness in the world, B,” she said sincerely._

_~_

_“Dan, what the hell?!”_

_Dan blinked. “Serena…why are you in Canada?”_

_“Guess,” she responded flatly as she threw a small package at him. “You mailed this to the wrong country, stupid.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Oh? OH?!” Serena’s voice was drawing unwanted attention in the café. Dan quickly dragged her outside._

_“Serena, this isn’t any of your business,” he said firmly._

_“It is my business, because in case you’ve forgotten, you’re my family now. Were you even going to tell Rufus? Or Jenny? Or anyone? Or were you just going to show up at the wedding two months from now with Émilie and saying ‘Surprise! We’re engaged!’”_

_“I didn’t buy that ring for Émilie,” Dan said quietly._

_“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Serena said, shaking her head. “No. No, Dan.”_

_“We had a moment in Rio, I’m not,” Dan fumbled for the right words. “I’m not going to propose to Blair. But I’m not proposing to Émilie either.”_

_“Dan, Blair’s in love with someone else,” Serena said bluntly. “Since you’re not Chuck, I’m going to trust that you’re going to leave her alone and not try to pull any stupidly huge romantic gestures because if you do, you’re going to be ruining her happiness. She’s not stupid but you guys had…an intense connection. Five years later, you still have lingering feelings for each other. But if she didn’t do anything in the beginning when you were with Émilie, don’t you dare try anything now.”_

_“Wait, Blair still loved me then?”_

_“Unbelievable,” Serena muttered loudly, pushing past Dan. “It’s like I’m the only one who has a fucking clue.”_

Émilie gets sick right before the trip, and he’s secretly glad that she insists that he still go. Things have been strained between them, and he needs the space. He’s beginning to think that the relationship has run its course, that maybe he needs to move back to New York City. It’s where he left his heart.

Cedrik’s a busy man, so he’s off on a business trip to Indonesia immediately following the ceremony. Since Chuck is still Chuck, he decided it would be perfect to put her in Émilie’s empty seat at the reception.

Once a Basstard, always a Basstard.

The awkwardness of being seated at the family table is accelerated by the presence of Jenny Humphrey, who chooses to spill red wine over Blair’s lemon-colored chiffon dress. It takes every ounce of willpower not to retaliate, but her reward is his hand covering her clenched fist.

There’s a spark when they touch, a spark that’s always been uniquely theirs. He knows that she’s in love with Cedrik, she knows that he loves Émilie. But she’s never claimed to be a saint and he’s never been perfect.

_“So, Chuck’s married and it’s not the end of the world.”_

_Blair squinted at some fabric swatches. “It would appear so.”_

_“Did you take your dress to the dry cleaners? They’ve gotten rid of wine stains before.”_

_Blair scowled. “No, it’s beyond ruined. I hate all Humphreys.”_

_“Well technically, I’m a Humphrey…”_

_“Well, I could never hate you, S, but let me tell you something about those hum-drum Humphreys your mother married into…”_

_~_

_“Why does Blair feel the need to ruin Jenny’s life, even now?”_

_“You, of all people, are trying to rationalize Blair Waldorf?”_

_“I hate her,” Dan mumbled. “This is such bullshit.”_

_“Jenny ruined an $800 dress, Dan. What did you think was going to happen?”_

It’s ironic that it happens at Chuck’s wedding reception, in a bathroom at the Empire, but anything Bass is the last thing on their minds. It’s rushed, his watch catches a snag in her dress, she’s briefly mortified that the countertop is wet but she forgets about it in two seconds when he rips off her underwear and slides a finger inside her.

She’s always been vocal, and this time is no different. He presses his mouth to hers to silence her as she comes, and she bites his lip, wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him closer until he can barely breathe. She’s always been possessive.

He tries to savor the moment afterwards as they try to catch their breath. He leans against the wall as he watches her try to save her mussed fancy updo before giving up and undoing it completely. As the glossy brown hair falls onto her porcelain shoulders, he inhales sharply. Before he fully knows what he’s doing, he’s walked three steps and kissing her again. She’s always been his weakness.

She giggles at his roughness, moans at his touch. Now that he can touch her hair, he buries a hand in the softness before lifting her up against the bathroom stall. It’s primal, rougher than before, her dress rips even more, he can’t silence her this time and he’s not sure he wants to.

They lean against each other afterwards, exhausted. He knows he shouldn’t, but he presses a tender kiss against her head. He can feel her smile.

They sit on the floor next to each other for ten minutes in silence, his jacket and arm around her, before they’re interrupted by a series of impatient knocks. When they leave the bathroom, he apologizes to the two elderly women standing there. His friend is drunk, you see, she needed somewhere private to throw up.

They were both completely sober. And the bad thing about being sober is that regret settles in almost immediately.

_“I’m going to the bathroom,” Serena announced, pushing her chair back._

_As soon as she was out of earshot, Nate leaned forward. “Okay Blair, what’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing’s wrong.”_

_Nate snorted. “Blair, I’m pretty dumb when it comes to most things but I’m one of the few people you can’t fool.”_

_Blair sniffed. “True, but in this case you have it wrong. I’m fine.”_

_“So Serena’s rant about that guy she was seeing who turned out to be married and had two other mistresses?”_

_“Was a cautionary tale about not dating men who carry about four cell phones. Really Nate, that was clearly a lapse in Serena’s judgment.”_

_“I do tend to have bad judgment,” Serena agreed, slipping into her seat. “Ugh, the line was way too long.”_

_“You’ll find someone good soon,” Blair said firmly. “Someone who loves you, and only you. Someone you can let your guard down with.”_

_“Someone like Dan, but not Dan,” Nate said unhelpfully, receiving glaring eye rolls from his two friends._

_~_

_“I think I’m going to propose to Émilie.”_

_“Oh…wow…….?”_

_“You sound underwhelmed.”_

_“I’m just…shocked,” Serena said. “Just last week you said you were thinking about breaking up with her, now you want to marry her? What happened?”_

_“Nothing happened!” Dan coughed. “Nothing’s happened, I just…I realized that I love her.”_

_“Can I say something?”_

_“Of course. Always.”_

_“You’ve been with Émilie for two years, right? I’m sure you love her, Dan, but I’ve never heard you say it convincingly.”_

_The “Not like you used to” is implied and Dan wonders, not for first time, how Serena became so irritatingly wise._

_“I’m going to marry her,” Dan said confidently._

Instead of proposing, he tells Émilie that he cheated. Obviously, she doesn’t take it well and he feels like a complete jackass. He is a complete jackass. The ring is still in his pocket when she packs her things and leaves forever.

On the other hand, he’s started to write again. He writes about lost love. Because if it were that easy, we’d all have it.

He should be writing about a sweet, blonde schoolteacher who has her heart broken by a shaggy-haired dickwad.

When he’s packing up his apartment, he finds the book she sent him, the writing on the Post-It is faded but still legible. “Rufus and Lily. Really, Humphrey? Could you be any more obvious?” it reads, and he smiles because he can hear her condescending tone through her writing.

He knows that she’s not going to tell Cedrik what they did. She’s always had a fickle relationship with the truth. It annoys him that it doesn’t annoy him, that he finds it endearing. Because after everything, she usually always tells him the truth.

_“Dan’s back in town.”_

_“I heard.”_

_“Heard, or did he tell you?”_

_“He told me. Honestly, it’s like you think we never speak to each other.”_

_“B, you do know how to utilize the silent treatment so well.”_

_“Says the girl who disappeared for a year,” Blair sniped back. “Face it, we both know how to run away from our problems.”_

_~_

_“How are you holding up?”_

_“I run away from the memory of Blair to go to Canada, I run away from the memory of Émilie only to end up right back in New York City with Blair. So peachy, yeah.”_

_“You don’t sound so heartbroken about it though.”_

_Dan frowned. “Why are you sounding so smug?”_

_“I happen to know that Cedrik is out of town, yet Blair is seeing a movie with someone at the Film Forum tonight.”_

_“Blair has lots of friends.”_

_“Be careful, Dan,” Serena sighed. He can picture her leaning back in her work chair, nervously drumming her fingers against the desk. “We’re all friends now, we’re all grown up. But the second you feel the need to hide your friendship-”_

_“We’re not hiding anything,” Dan interrupted. “I’m having dinner with you tonight, remember? Fridays are family nights.”_

It’s a sense of déjà vu, all this sneaking around and deception. She goes to see a movie with Nate, who falls asleep within the first fifteen minutes. He goes dinner with his dad, Lily, Serena, Eric, Jenny, Chuck, and his new wife Lauren in what can only be described as a strange 60th century nuclear family gathering because of how normal it was.

Afterwards, they meet at the Plaza, using separate entrances _of course_. Just because there’s no Gossip Girl anymore doesn’t mean that they can’t be too cautious.

He takes advantage of the thick walls and makes it a personal mission to make her come as many times as possible. She screams his name until her voice gets hoarse, whether she’s writhing beneath him or thrashing above him. Cheating may be a sin, but watching her in the throes of passion was his heaven.

He’s awakened the next morning by the brightness of the sunlight giving him the best view of her mouth moving up and down his stiffening length. She licks, sucks, teases with a bit of teeth but she knows what she’s doing and doesn’t try Cosmo-patented moves. He moans and tries not to grab her hair too tight but holy hell if they had been doing more of this when they were together instead of fighting, maybe they wouldn’t have broken up.

She withdraws a bit and teases the tip with her tongue. He swallows hard as he watches her move her hand down between her legs. When she moans, he can feel the vibrations and he begs to be inside of her but she ignores him (what a surprise) and deep throats him instead.

He loses it and she does what she’s never done before and swallows.

She offers him her fingers, glistening and so wet and when he puts them in his mouth he thinks he could get used to this.

He goes to use the restroom and brush his teeth but when he comes out, she’s already dressed. She explains that Cedrik’s back early without looking at him. She seems cool as a cucumber, but her hands are trembling slightly as she zips up her skirt, a lightweight fluffy concoction she pulled out of her purse that’s different from the one last night.

She asks him how she looks, and he blurts out automatically without hesitation that she looks amazing. 

Perfect.

She’s crying when she tells him that this can’t happen again.

_“Hey S, it’s me. Look, I’m sorry to miss your birthday party but I decided to tag along with Cedrik to Switzerland. I just feel like I haven’t spent that much time with him lately. I’m so sorry, but I hope you have fun with the new boyfriend. I can’t wait to meet him! Love you, and happy birthday.”_

_“Serena, I am soooo sorry, I swear I’m going to kill Humphrey! I didn’t know that Nate had left to do a race or that Chuck and Lauren were in Asia, or that Eric was going to get tied up in his internship, and especially not that Humphrey would bring VANESSA of all people. Ugh, just thinking about her makes me want to throw up. I honestly don’t understand him, how on earth did he ever think that it would be acceptable to even be AROUND her-”_

_Blair’s rant about Vanessa goes on for five more voicemails. Then there’s a sixth._

_“S, call me back ASAP. Something’s happened.”_

_~_

_“Serena, I’m so sorry about what happened at your birthday party, I swear I had just run into her and I know, Blair already left me ten voicemails about what a terrible person I am-”_

_“That was a week ago, I’m not calling about that.”_

_Serena sounded odd. “Is everything okay?” Dan asked._

_“I’m outside your apartment, can you let me in?”_

_“Serena, you’re scaring me.”_

_Serena isn’t able to fully look him in the eyes when she tells him the news she’s been ordered to deliver. “Blair’s engaged.”_

This time, he runs away to California. He decides to stay in Monterey for six months, and then maybe go to Hawaii. Money doesn’t solve everything, but it buys superficial comfort. He gets why she doesn’t tell him herself, it was just too hard. He’s talked to her, wished her well, they’ve even watched a movie over the phone together, just like old times. But he refuses to repeat history again, to be so emotionally invested in his friend who was someone else’s fiancée.

Monterey is beautiful, he’s more inspired than ever, but there are times when he wishes his dad hadn’t sold the loft in Brooklyn six years ago when he went to Canada. Then again, some old memories should just stay buried.

She takes his calls, he takes her calls. They chat easily as if they are friends.

They are friends, but there’s an undercurrent of desire in their conversations. Does he imagine it, the way she says his name or how words linger or sound suggestive? Maybe it was time to stop taking her calls.

_“Cedrik cheated on me.” Blair said, bursting into tears as she sank down onto the couch._

_“Oh my god,” Serena gasped as she hugged her friend._

_“The wedding’s over,” Blair said, shaking her head. “He said that I deserved better.”_

_“You do!”_

_“I don’t,” Blair wailed. “He slept with someone else but he had the decency to feel bad that he had hurt me!”_

_Serena frowned. “B…”_

_“I didn’t deserve him,” Blair said miserably. “He was too good for me. I ruined it.”_

_“Blair, he cheated on you!”_

_“He’s a good person,” Blair insisted. “He’s braver than me because I never had the guts to tell him that I cheated on him. What I did was worse. And not only do I no longer have a fiancé, Humphrey’s not picking up my calls.”_

_~_

_“Dan, it’s Serena. I just thought you’d like to know that Cedrik cheated on Blair and the wedding is off and that I know you and Blair had sex together. So. Yeah.”_

_“Serena, I know you’re mad at me, but you have to stop ignoring my calls. Look…what happened between me and Blair was probably not the smartest thing but I had every intention of walking away. You have to believe me, I tried to get over her.”_

Against her better judgment, she flies out to see him for a week. The aquarium is magical, the scenery is fantastic, and the sex is beyond words. She can’t remember a time in her life she was more satisfied, and neither can he.

Though they hold hands, cuddle, and do cutesy coupley things, they know what this is. Their breakup had been mutual, but bitter. Their arguments were cyclical. This wasn’t them moving forward together as a couple. This was just a moment to try and erase their poorly-handled break-up.

It’s embarrassing that it’s taken them six years, multiple continents, a fiancé, and an almost-fiancée to realize that all they needed was some closure, but their love had always been a slow burn.

_“Please tell me you’re kidding.”_

_“Nope.”_

_Blair burst out laughing. “Welcome to the failed first marriage club, where it doesn’t get better from here. At least you got your divorced finalized before she found out you were rich.”_

_“Annulled, Blair, and a quickie Vegas wedding is really not that funny. Neither was the conversation I just had with my dad and Lily, I think she almost fainted. Her exact words were, ‘Daniel I would have expected this from Charles, but never you!’”_

_“Classic Lily! Of course she did, you married a stripper!” Blair cackled with glee. “Wait until Serena finds out.”_

_Dan groaned. “Serena’s the whole reason I got into this mess, if she hadn’t ditched me at the strip club…”_

_Her laughter stops. “You were in Vegas with Serena?”_

_“Blair, don’t you dare hang up.”_

_He heard her sigh in annoyance but she didn’t hang up. “Jenny had a work thing and invited me to come. Since you’ve procured the rights to Nate’s soul for the next two years-”_

_“Competitive sailing is neither a sustainable career goal nor should it be a serious life ambition but someone had to take charge of Nate’s finances!”_

_“-I asked Serena,” Dan shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, Blair. She’s my SISTER.”_

_“Through marriage, not blood,” Blair snapped. “Dan, you could have easily married Serena.”_

_Dan groaned. “You really need to get over your insecurities when it comes to Serena.”_

_Blair let out a strangled, outraged noise. “I’m sorry, are we back in 2007? Because I seem to have lost the memo about worshiping Serena van der Woodsen’s every bowel movement!”_

_Dan gritted his teeth and clenched his phone tightly. “Why can’t you just accept the fact that I love you, Blair? That I choose you over her? Why is that so hard to believe?”_

_Blair sighed dismissively. “Stop sounding like a lovestruck teenager.”_

He’s almost done with his next book. His last book, that is, for a while at least. He’s fallen out of love with publishing. He used to romanticize traveling the world and writing, but in reality, it gets lonely. It gets tedious. He’s not even thirty yet, he doesn’t have the life experience, momentum, or desire to sustain his writing.

He travels down to Los Angeles to see his sister. They go down to San Diego for the weekend, and even further south to Tijuana. Driving to Mexico was fun in theory, but the four hour traffic wait to get back into America was less than ideal. It made his sister cranky, which led to her grilling him about the Blair situation, which made him want to just stay in Mexico forever and not have to deal with this crap.

_“Serena?” Blair’s voice sounded tiny and frail._

_“B, what’s wrong?”Serena was already sliding on a pair of jeans and grabbing her nearest coat._

_“I think I need help.”_

_~_

_“Hey, have you heard from Blair lately? I don’t know, it’s weird, I haven’t gotten a single text from her in the last four days.”_

_“You probably did something.”_

_“Why is it always my fault?”_

_“As dramatic as Blair is, you’re not exactly a paradigm of perfection either.”_

_“Oh, so to be clear, you found that dictionary I gave you again?”_

_“I rest my case.”_

_“Listen, if you see Blair…”_

_“Yes Dan, I’ll beg for forgiveness on your behalf,” Serena said in a bored tone. “Bye.”_

_Serena double-checked to make sure the call had ended before looking at her friend. “Are you sure you don’t want him to know?”_

She’s never been particularly great at dealing with feelings, which is why she’s never really gotten over him. He loves her unconditionally, and it makes her uncomfortable to surrender and given in, and let herself be loved. As much as a hopeless romantic she pretends to be, she knows that she’s never truly gotten over the betrayal of Nate sleeping with Serena.

She wants to say that everything’s fine now, because in one sense it is. Everyone gets along as friends. But she’s good at being petty and holding grudges, and she can’t forget the past.

Therapy is disgusting to her, especially group therapy. She’s never had the patience for strangers, she’s never really put effort into fostering friendships with strangers, which is probably why she’s always relapsed. Fostering friendships with strangers made her want to throw up though, and well, that’s what got her here in the first place.

If she can’t throw up, she might as well sleep around. Or at least, she tries to. The first guy was a friend of Nate’s who wouldn’t shut up about boats, even with his dick inside her. The second guy fell asleep halfway through and got mad when she tried to wake him up. The sex was so horrendous with the third guy that she actually gave up and pushed him off her and walked out the door.

So fine, casual sex wasn’t for her. No big deal. Not every woman in NYC takes inspiration from _Sex and the City_.

Serena’s been amazing, but structure’s never been her strong suit. It’s easy to skip therapy until she doesn’t even bother to present to care anymore. The time increments between relapses has grown, anyway, and she estimates based on past data that she won’t ever have to go to a therapy session for thirteen years.

She doesn’t want him to find out because she knows he’ll make her go to therapy. He’d walk her there, wait for her, escort her back, and make her waffles. She loves that he so obviously would take care of her, but she’s Blair Waldorf, she can take care of herself, thank you very much.

Though secretly it would be nice to be coddled, _not_ that she would admit it out loud. Her desire to be independent versus her desire to be wanted was often at odds. When she thinks about her turbulent life thus far though, she has to grudgingly admit that his friendship, his love, their love, means everything to her.

_“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dan asked softly._

_“I wanted to be able to handle it on my own, Humphrey.”_

_“Did you?”_

_“Not really,” she responded breezily. “But really, it’s fine-”_

_“I can be on the redeye tonight, Blair, just say the word.”_

_“Humphrey…”_

_“I’m worried about you, Blair.”_

_“You sound like Serena. I’ll be fine, I swear.”_

He comes anyway, and it infuriates her. He sets up a series of appointments that makes her feel like this is speed dating instead of finding professional help for her self-esteem issues.

She hates them all. He sets up more appointments. She hates them all too. They fight, she throws a Hermes plate at him, he threatens to tell her parents about what’s been happening, they end up in bed together. She wakes up with his arm wrapped around her, his hand directly on her stomach. It’s warm and calming and she briefly imagines what life would be like if they had rings on their fingers and a life growing inside her stomach. When she cranes her head back to kiss him, morning breath be damned, he responds quickly and she knows he must have just been thinking the same thing because when she slides down on him with a sharp gasp, they’re not using protection. He comes too quickly, embarrassingly so, because of how wet she is. She doesn’t know what she’s hoping for when she feels him come inside her, except that she hopes they can do that again soon.

They resume fighting, but she eventually settles on a therapist in Brooklyn who’s not completely condescending and doesn’t trivialize her problems just because she’s white and she’s rich. She tries to ignore his knowing smirk when she announces her decision, tries hard not to reveal her own personal secret.

He goes with her to her first real appointment and is waiting outside when she’s done. They go out to lunch together and she actually eats a sandwich instead of her usual lunchtime salad.

He leaves the next day, which is surprising but in a good way. He is letting her do this on her own like she wants, but he also knew what she needed. He always knows.

_“Serena, please please PLEASE, you have to come.”_

_“I thought you had a date?”_

_“Well I lied, obviously. Come on, it’s Lauren Bass’s official society debut, how am I supposed to go by myself?”_

_“Well the easiest solution is to just go early and try to find a date within the first thirty minutes. Of course, the easier option is to just make Nate be your date.”_

_Blair sighed. “S, what are we going to do when Nate actually gets a serious girlfriend and a life?”_

_“I don’t even want to think about it.”_

_~_

_“So, Nate’s pissed.”_

_“Oh, he’ll get over it. He’s just mad that Blair met someone and he didn’t.”_

_“Well he said that being an on-call lapdog was my job, not his.”_

_“Ouch.”_

_“Yeah, don’t you think you guys should be treating him better?”_

_“Not really, that’s your job.”_

_“Well, maybe you should stop calling him a ‘professional seaman.’”_

_“Well, technically, that is his job description. So, when are you coming back?”_

_“In two weeks, but then I’m back to California next month to start my book tour.”_

_“I’m so excited to read it! You never got around to telling me what it’s about.”_

_“It’s a bit more…commercial. Think…A Series of Unfortunate Events meets The Notebook.”_

_“Oh good,” Serena said dryly, “another book about Blair.”_

He travels to Santa Barbara, then Yosemite, before looping up to San Francisco, Sacramento, Lake Tahoe, and the Redwood National Park. California is beautiful, but he could never call it home. He prefers chaos, busyness, being able to find beauty in the small moments.

He doesn’t get a chance to see her when he does go back home. He and Jenny go to visit their mom for the first time in a while, and it goes so awkwardly that he briefly considers writing another book. Jenny suggests the title of _Goodbye: A Mother’s Love Gone Rogue_ but he protests that it’s not nearly as dramatic enough. He misses this Jenny, the one who’s slowly coming back, the one who’s finally getting over the resentment of how their original family was destroyed by the whirlwind of the Upper East Side.

He never really wanted to be part of this world, but seeing his mom again made him realize how much he appreciated having Lily. She wasn’t perfect, far from it, but she tried unconditionally for all her children, biological or otherwise.

_“What’s it like having Rufus as a stepfather?”_

_They’re on the phone, but Blair can sense Serena shrugging as she exhales loudly. “It’s…good. I mean, I don’t hate him. He makes my mom happy. Well, more importantly, he makes her calmer. He always wants to feed us, his latest mission is fatten Lauren up, I think so that if the marriage goes south at least she won’t hate us.”_

_“Well, if she becomes obese, I’m sure she’ll hate your family even more.”_

_Serena laughed. “Well, he’s been more of a father to me than my own dad, but then again, that’s not a difficult task. Why are you asking, B?”_

_“No particular reason.”_

_~_

_“Don’t you think I’m right?”_

_“Absolutely not.”_

_Dan sighed in frustration. “Serena, out of all people I expected you to be more forgiving.”_

_“Daniel Humphey, you better be high right now because I’ve barely forgiven Jenny, let alone be bothered with Vanessa Abrams.”_

_“It’s been seven years since the Juliet thing…”_

_Dan hears the creak of her work chair as she leans forward. “Dan, I get that you want to try and patch up your friendship, it’s nice that she’s a success, blah blah blah, but she’s always been your friend first. Don’t expect any of us to welcome her with open arms.”_

The way they fight is different from when she fights with Serena. Their quibbles are nothing, but when they really fight it’s explosive and painful, and the silence is made easier by the fact that they’re on different coasts.

He’s annoyed at her elitism; she’s frustrated by his naivety.

Their fairly steady stream of communication stops.

_Blair stared at the ceiling. “I’m not pregnant.”_

_Serena rolled over. “Isn’t that a good thing?”_

_“Of course,” Blair frowns, pulling the sheets up before Serena can hog them again. “Of course it is.”_

_“Wait, I thought you said that you and Martin haven’t had sex yet.”_

_There was a pause before Blair rolled on her side, turning her back to Serena. “You must have heard wrong.”_

_~_

_“Serena, what the hell?”_

_“In truth, it was Nate’s idea but your father agreed. He says you never be too careful when it come s to groupies.”_

_“Literary groupies aren’t exactly known for wanting to jump the author’s bones,” Dan said dryly, tossing a box of condoms back into the larger box of condom boxes so helpfully shipped from NYC._

_He heard a bit of rustling and whispering before Serena spoke again. “Well, one only has to look into the mirror to realize why that’s so.”_

_“Yeah, tell Blair thanks for that insult.”_

The longer the book tour went on, the more he missed her. He did end up sleeping with a few people, but that only ended in him bolting out of their places in the middle of the night and calling her cell phone even though he knew she would never pick up.

He never left a message, because he would always remember that he’s doing the right thing by trying to reconnect with a childhood friend, and what did she know about friendship anyway?

She sent back the advanced copy of his latest book, “return to sender” written neatly on the front of the unopened envelope. He’s tempted to throw it in the fire, but he saves it. He still has hope.

_“You know what’s strange?”_

_“What?”_

_“I’ve noticed that Dan only sleeps with blondes, redheads, and black-haired girls now.”_

_Serena glanced at Blair, who was sunbathing next to her. “Is that so?”_

_“Just a random observation given his last few hookups,” Eric said casually, squinting at his phone. “There was that blonde English teacher, the redheaded barista, that other blonde-”_

_“We get it,” Blair said testily. “Humphrey is humping around. Well, you know some of us are having lots and lots of sex too! Martin and I are doing it all over the place!”_

_“O…kay,” Eric said slowly. “So I’m…gonna go now.”_

_Serena glanced at her friend. “I wonder why he doesn’t sleep with brunettes anymore.”_

_Blair took a sip of her cocktail. “I sincerely hope it’s because he has standards but I think he’s just colorblind.”_

_~_

_“So… Émilie came to a book signing.”_

_Serena sat up straight. “Seriously?”_

_“Yeah she…looked good. She’s still teaching in Toronto but she came out to Lansing…she said she didn’t want to run into Blair at the Manhattan signing.”_

_“Oh really?”_

_“She told me that she read the book and that she should have realized by reading my books who I really loved.”_

_“You know, you do tend to write about powerful brunettes who are more complex than they seem,” Serena mused. She paused. “Maybe it’s a good thing you’re going to law school, you seem to be running out of themes. Though I can’t believe I never saw the similarities between you and Blair and Rufus and my mom.”_

_“Do you think we’ll ever be together?”_

_“Blair seems pretty happy with Martin, Dan.”_

_Dan sighed. “We’ve always had…bad timing.”_

He takes Vanessa to his dad and Lily’s tenth anniversary party. He sees her expression darken as he enters with his date, the way she yanks Martin closer whenever he looks at her. Her exaggerated public displays of affection aren’t lost on him. She’s baiting him, and it’s killing him.

His dad pulls him aside and tells him that while he’s happy to see Vanessa, he will murder them both if she ruins this night for Lily.

He warns Vanessa to be on her best behavior, and reminds her that this isn’t a _date_ date just for good measure. It’s bad enough that he’s fighting with Blair over this friendship; she would never speak to him again if he slipped up and slept with Vanessa.

Vanessa doesn’t make a scene but she manages to ditch him and duck out with an older gentleman who seems to be married. No matter what she says, she still wants to fit in with this world. Everyone does.  He sits after the bar long after the party’s ended, watching all the guests leave and not really sure what he’s looking for anymore.

_“You should read his book. It’s really good, you know.”_

_Blair looked up from her menu in annoyance. “Nate, honey, you know I don’t like to make it a habit of pointing out how dumb you are, but you also thought Twilight was good.”_

_Serena smothered a smile. “Nate’s right though, B.”_

_“His best work yet,” Nate nodded. “Saving the best for last.”_

_“For last?”_

_“Dan’s…taking a hiatus.”_

_Blair snapped her menu shut. “Oh.”_

_~_

_“Nate spilled the beans about Columbia.”_

_“What did she say?”_

_Serena ignored his question. “You know, I used to think you two would be a great couple. Then I started to worry that you guys are too toxic together, that your love would be just as bad as Chuck’s. And then I realized that you guys are toxic for each other when you’re not together, that you’re just hurting yourselves by pretending that you don’t love each other.”_

_“You finished reading my book.”_

_“You should just tell her, Dan. Talk to her.”_

She doesn’t come to his book signing, and he feels slightly ridiculous that he had sprung for a new Hugo Boss suit for the occasion even though his family and friends turned out. The returned advance copy sat abandoned in his messenger bag, right next to a copy of the _New York Times_ that gave his book three and a half stars.

He stays for an hour after he’s supposed to, meeting fans but mostly just waiting for her.

He wanders around aimlessly afterwards before he realized that he was in Brooklyn. The loft was no longer his, but as he stood in front of the doorway, he realized that he had seen the potted plant in the corner of the hallway before. They were lilies, beautiful quality, exquisitely grown, and native to the Upper East Side penthouse of Lily Humphrey. She would never give them away to a stranger.

He knocked on the door. When he got no answer after ten minutes, he dug around in the potted plant until he found a key in a small plastic bag, a classic Rufus Humphrey move. Taking a deep breath and hoping that whoever owned the loft now wasn’t home, he opened the door and let himself in. It took him a minute to realize that the loft had been remodeled into an extensive library, and two minutes to realize that his parents had sold the loft to Blair.

The kitchen had been redone with a hardwood floor and updated appliances. She kept their old sofa but got rid of virtually everything else. The open spaces had been converted into large shelves that were brimming with books and DVDs.  His dad’s room had been converted into a music library, with a tastefully-sized framed Lincoln Hawk poster on the wall and an eclectic mix of classical, opera, rock, pop, and indie CDs that were buried at the very bottom (no doubt a byproduct of when they were dating).

She had kept the hated garage door, but it was up. His room had been converted to an office, finance books stacked haphazardly on her desk. In Jenny’s old room though, there were a collage of framed photos with her with her friends and family. Most prominently, there was a large one of them in the center. It’s a candid that someone had sent in to Gossip Girl, they’re walking with coffee cups and holding hands. In the picture, they’re looking at each other so intimately, it’s like they’re glowing. When he sees the picture, he can’t remember how they’ve gotten to this place now, not when he can see with his own eyes how in love they once were.

He leaves the advanced copy envelope, as well as a copy of the final published product, on the kitchen counter. At the last minute, he leaves his copy of the _Times_ as well, circling his review.

_“Breaking and entering is a felony, Humphrey.”_

_“Why didn’t you tell me you bought the loft? Why didn’t my dad and Lily tell me, actually?”_

_“I asked them not to,” Blair said. “My library is my…sanctuary. It’s where I go to think, it’s where I get the most clarity. Only Serena knows about it, and actually, who knows if she knows, she was really drunk when I told her. Besides, it’s Brooklyn. It’s embarrassing enough knowing I own real estate out here.”_

_Dan struggled for words. “Blair…”_

_“Please don’t come by anymore, Dan. I don’t appreciate having my library and office trespassed in.”_

The _New York Times_ described his book as “…More straightforward and popcorn fare than his previous work, but still well-written and executed. It’s a chronicle of love found and lost…and lost, and lost. He avoids making this tedious or repetitive by making it a tragic love story, but one with great hope…”

She flops back onto his sofa…her sofa now. Their sofa. It was a reminder that her whole boycott of his book was about trivial high school stuff. Sure, Chuck still often left her drunken voicemails, his voice low and slurred and wistful, but in public he never openly pursued her. She chose to see it as maturity, even if those voicemails tested her patience as she deleted them. She should be more mature and just let the issue go.

She wasn’t threatened by Vanessa, because that would imply that she had time to waste thoughts on the regrettably still bohemian girl. Instead she’s annoyed at the possibility of Vanessa being his Chuck, a tragic affection that never goes away.

It bothers her because she still loves Dan and she doesn’t know if she can accept Vanessa the way Dan’s accepted Chuck’s social presence in her life.

She glares at the offensively large manila envelope and snatches up the finished product instead. Since she’s single now, she might as well spend the weekend indulging in carbs, sweets, and reading. Kicking off her Tory Burch flats, she lies down on the sofa and flips absentmindedly through the book.

She sits up when she reads the dedication, unconventionally hidden in the back, buried behind the acknowledgements.

“For BCW-you have my heart, always.”

_“Well?” Dan asked, starting to pace nervously._

_“Humphrey, why is it that you can never actually tell me what you mean?”_

_Dan stopped his pacing. “What…what do you mean?” he asked cautiously._

_“Your book,” Blair said in an impatient tone. “Why do you have to let the whole world know what you’re feeling in a book when you can just tell me?”_

_“Books,” Dan corrected quietly._

_Blair was silent for a moment. “You told Serena that we always had bad timing. What if one day, right now, we could have good timing?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I broke up with Martin.”_

_“What?”_

_“Two days ago. I broke up with him because I told him it wasn’t fair that I could never love him the way…”_

_Dan pressed his phone closer to his ear. “The way?”_

_“The way I’ve always loved you, Dan. It drives me crazy how much I love you too, and I know I’m not very good with affection, I’m sorry if I still play games, I’m sorry if all of that drives you crazy and you don’t want to deal with all of me but-”_

_“Blair.”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Meet me.”_

They meet at Central Park. It’s raining, they’re both holding umbrellas, it’s all unbearably cheesy when he drops down on one knee but he couldn’t care less. The ring still sparkles through the gloomy weather, a ring that he had bought ages ago for her, a ring that he never truly intended to give to anyone else. After she emphatically says yes and he slides the ring on her finger, a perfect fit, he rises up and drops his umbrella to kiss her. She drops hers to reciprocate, not caring how silly they look, or that their umbrellas are blowing away, or that her brand-new Prada bag is getting wet, or that her favorite pair of Tom Ford heels are getting flooded. It’s maddening that he does this to her, to get her not to care but she lets go and enjoys the taste of his lips, the feel of his hands pulling her closer, and the weight of her left ring finger.

His dad jokes that at least he got the girl in under a decade with only two failed marriages between them. Lily rolls her eyes at Rufus but pulls them both in for an uncharacteristically warm hug. Dorota squeals and claps when she hears the news.

Eric, and Nate tell them simultaneously that it was about fucking time. Serena just beams smugly as if she had known all along that this was the way it was supposed to be.

_“What about Chuck?”_

_Blair made a face. “What about Chuck?”_

_“Shouldn’t you…tell him? You guys are…friendly still, right? Should he…know?”_

_Blair rolled her eyes and reached for him. “Ugh, only you would be bringing up the past when you’re my future. Shut up and kiss me, Dan.”_

He smiled and obliged.


End file.
